Valentine’s Day is a holiday that in so many ways resembles so many others in our culture.  It was instated centuries ago to replace a February “pagan” celebration with a more church “appropriate” mid-winter holiday.  It honored a saint.  And as time progressed, the commercial elements added by society began to subtract a bit from its original meaning.  Decorations, candy and gifts often overwhelm Valentine’s Day, as they do numerous other holidays.  But something does stand out about this day, separates it from the rest of our calendared galas.  For it seems that many of us, despite being exposed to the Valentine’s Day joyful bursts of pink and red, experience a higher level of distress on this holiday than on any other.  This may be because Valentine’s Day often becomes “Romantic Relationship Comparison Day.”

A wise professor in my graduate counseling program once reminded class that, “Humans are social creatures.”  It is natural for us to take cues from and look at ourselves in relation to others.  Historically, if we fit in, we were safer.  If we belonged, life was easier.  If we were like the others, we could construct a meaning of our world together.  But the Romantic Relationship Comparisons we tend to make on Valentine’s Day do not serve a helpful social function.  Instead, they can result in emotional drain.  And many of these comparisons are based on the dysfunctional beliefs that others’ romantic relationships are perfect, and are something we will never be able to experience.  Compare and Despair.  Often discussed in counseling literature, these words are, indeed, quite a sorry pair.

On this Valentine’s Day, how can we face these beliefs, change our natural tendency to compare, and move instead toward caring for ourselves?  How can we thwart despair and find self-value?  Four pathways, all starting with “I”, and pertaining to “Self” are worth considering: Identification, Investigation, Internal Dialogue and “I Validations.”

Identification means slowing down to pinpoint your feelings.  For example, if you see a co-worker receiving flowers, and you get wrapped up in vague negative feelings, take time to identify what these emotions are, specifically.  The process of naming your feelings (i.e. “I am feeling sad”) can actually defuse them a bit and start to peel them away from your center.  You can then start an Investigation.  Mentally unwrap your emotions to discover the thoughts and beliefs behind them.  What are you thinking about your co-worker getting flowers?   Maybe you will realize that you are thinking that her partner must be “perfect” or that yours never shows that much caring.  You can engage in an Internal Dialogue with those thoughts and beliefs and question them.  What do you really know about your co-worker’s total relationship?  Do flowers equal perfection?  What actions from your partner show caring as well?  After taking time with these first three “I” strategies, you may find yourself moving away from comparing and toward a more contented emotional space.

The fourth, and equally important, “I” action is I Validation.  Sit back, and perhaps close your eyes.  Breathe deeply and think about positive parts of you.  What traits do you have that have helped you meet challenges in your life?   Perhaps you are “Determined.”  How have you built all types of relationships?  You may be “Understanding.”  How have you been able to help others?  “Empathy” could be a key element of you.  Find three strengths.  Hold them in your mind.  Write them down.  Repeat them out loud.  Breathe them in quietly.  Validate them.  Taking the time to find and mentally embrace your assets can support your move toward self-caring, a more comfortable place to be on V Day.

So this February 14, if you find yourself slipping into low emotions, think of what “I”s can do for you.  They may help you smile, feel good about yourself, and maybe even enjoy that office bowl of candy hearts.  For you have stopped Comparing and embraced Self-Caring.

Byline:

Christine Corrigan Mendez, M.Ed., LPC, NCC provides counseling services to individuals in the St. Louis area, leads pet illness and loss support programs, and writes wellness editorial. Visit ccmcounselingllc.com.  

Well, here we are again.  It’s the start of a new year, and that “Big R” thought, “Resolutions” has bounded out of our minds’ shadows and into our consciousness.  This “R” entity often carries with it visions of gritting our teeth, clenching our fists, and just doing all sorts of things that we would rather not.  We view resolutions as ways to improve ourselves, which implies that we are not “good enough” as we are.  We label ourselves as “just flabby,” so our resolution is to “work out.” We believe we are “completely disorganized,” so our resolution is to purge all items we do not need and stack the rest in a precise manner (in perfectly labeled containers).  Or we call ourselves “procrastinators,” so darn it, we resolve to input all tasks on our smartphone calendars this year, and get them done immediately upon the chimes of the reminder alerts.

And while sternly committing our minds and bodies to this resolution mission, another thought often begins to manifest, one of unfriendly self-doubt.  We wonder if we will really succeed.  After all, haven’t we tried all this before?  And aren’t we back to where we started?  We wonder if we can change for good this time.

So to review…we label ourselves negatively, identify actions we HAVE TO complete to change from what we don’t want to be, and don’t really believe we can pull it off.  It seems tough for resolution success to result from this starting point!

But perhaps an answer to this resolution problem can be found.  Let’s consider another approach, another beginning, through the use of another “R” word: “Reframing.”  Reframing is a cognitive strategy often used in professional counseling—a process in which we identify our automatic thoughts or irrational beliefs and consider how they can be viewed differently (in a new “frame”).  By purposefully considering new and more realistic ways to think about situations, our feelings and actions may then also move to more positive and productive places.  So maybe we can shift resolutions from unwanted actions that we have to do to fix our inadequate selves to behaviors that we want to do, that we deserve to do, to grow our competent and worthy selves.

Let’s give it a try with “just flabby” and the resolution to “work out.”  Instead of looking in the mirror and giving ourselves a negative label with the resulting dreaded work out resolution, perhaps we can instead ask some questions that will lead us to a different way of thinking.  “What do our bodies give us?”  “What is already strong?”  “What more could our bodies do for us this year?”  Our answers to these questions may help us start to view our physical selves as already valuable and deserving.  And this thinking shift may then also alter our view of exercise.  Time in the gym, walking with friends, or engaging in physical activities that we enjoy could be considered “gifts” to ourselves, so we can physically be the best we can be.

And are we really completely “disorganized,” or “procrastinators?”  Perhaps something is already working in our current ways of organizing and doing projects.  What credit can we give ourselves and how can we build on that vs. thinking of it as complete change, as movement away from a negative personal trait?  Reframe.  Reframe.

I say, “Cheers” to Reframing!  And I recommend giving this process a try.  Reconsidering our initial negative (and often not accurate) thoughts about ourselves can give us a chance to start from a new place, gain a more positive outlook, and give those 2014 resolutions a real chance to succeed.